Before having my son I had always thought I had a great life. I was blessed with an amazing husband who adores me and I truly and wholeheartedly adore. We had just purchased our home. Sure it wasn’t by childhood vision, two-story Victoria style country home with acres of farm lands settled in those beautiful mountains that I love so much, but it was my new dream home. I had been so fortunate to get my true dream job as a NICU nurse and all the pieces of my life just seemed to fit right into place, but before you know it that was this little nagging in my heart.
Kinda like that little voice you have in your head that always annoyingly wants us to do the right thing but this one is that loud voice that screams YOU NEED TO HAVE A BABY, AND STAT. Weirdly this voice always sounds a lot like my mother, can’t image why haha. My husband and I had been married for 4 years and for 4 years we had been dodging that question of all questions. All you ladies know what I am talking about it is that “Sssssssooooooo when you gunna haaaavvee kids…” like there is some kind of hidden subtext that is en laid in your marriage license that says you are required to procreate within 60 days of signing this paper.
Sure enough though that voice came in loud and clear one January day and it was time to have that talk with the hubby. So as sweetly as I could I proposed the question…. “what do you think about a baby?’ My husband gave me that crazy look that only a man you really loves you can give haha, but the decision was made to start the wilburn clan. Goodbye birth control and a month later hello 5 positive pregnancy tests. I was shocked that it could and did happen that quickly.
Of course we immediately broke that cardinal rule, you know that 12 week rule, and told our family and friends. Went to doctors appointments and around 2 months in the unimaginable happened, we lost the pregnancy. I was devastated and really reached the darkest place I had ever been in my life. I blamed GOD and myself and figured, like I am sure many of you who have had to live with the devastation of losing a pregnancy, that I must have done something to deserve this. This of course isnt true but I will tell you it took me months to really accept that.
We decided that we were not going to try again for a little while. I needed to mentally accept what had happened and physically recover. So almost a year later we decided, ok we are going to not, not try. A month later we were blessed with our amazing rainbow baby. The day that I realized I was pregnant again I was in shock. I didnt realize that my period had come and gone until I looked in my drawer and realized that I needed to buy more tampons and then started thinking hhhmmm… wait a minute here!
This time it only took 1 test to really give me that amazing, shocking, scary and enjoyable moment … OMG I am pregnant. Those first few minutes your mind goes crazy you want to shout it from the roof top and yet its this amazing little secret that no one but you has. I truly think that this is the moment that maternal bond kicks in. Here you are with this amazing little secret that no one knows but you and that little peanut swimming around in your belly.
To tell any one or not to tell anyone that is the question ……..