Today I am so proud because I reached a personal goal for myself. When I started this blog I set a goal for myself. That I would complete my blogs about my pregnancy experience prior to my sons first birthday. Now this to some may not seem like a big goal, but to me it was monumental. I had never blogged before so just getting started and continuing with it was a challenge in it self but I also only write on my free time at work since I don’t want to take away any time that I have at home from my son. Doing this on my work free time can be a challenge since in nursing I never know what my day is going to be like and I also precept which makes my free time even more restricted. So that makes today as I get to post my final post regarding my pregnancy important to me not only because it talks about one of the most important days of my life but because it means that I have achieved my goal. Well enough of my excitement and onto the nitty gritty.
After weeks of being past my due date and my impatience and nerves growing my the minute I finally got the glorious news that we were going to induce. Yay, finally the moment I had been waiting 10 long months for. With that news though came a lot of emotions and feelings I wasn’t really anticipating. Suddenly I was overcome with worry and nerves about delivery. Things I thought were going to bother me now were not really even in my mind. Earlier in my pregnancy I was so nervous about receiving an epidural. As a nurse I of course knew horror stories of epidurals gone wrong and my palms would sweat just thinking about it. I mean come on who would feel comfortable about someone sticking a giant needle in your spine… right!!
Now that my induction was set, and even though I had already for some time knew that there was no back out now, all these new fears crept into my mind. What if the induction was prolonged and I had to have a c section? Now my rational mind knows that if that needed to happen then well that was that and I had a great doctor who would perform it and keep me and my little peanut safe bbbuuttt I wasn’t thinking rationally I was thinking like a crazy hormonal 42 week pregnant woman and the fear of having a c section was real and very scary. What if the baby started having complications during birth? Again rationality is out the window and all the worse fears are there in the window pane waving all their crazy in my face. Hello nuchal cord, hello baby not breathing, hello 12 toes. Now that I look back on all these crazy fears I can laugh. I can laugh at how silly it is to worry about something that you have no control over. I laugh because I know better then to stress your body out with all those fears. I laugh because I in that moment had become every other soon to be mom in the world.
Finally I was in the hospital induction initiated, food taken away and just sitting there waiting. Waiting for the unknown to start, waiting for contrations (because lets be real no one can really describe to you what its like so its a big giant mystery until you get that first one), waiting for something. For a few hours nothing happened it was just me and my husband watching a movie, nurses coming in to check on me and seeing what I was going, nurses coming and sticking to get a good IV. Which let me tell you, I am not someone who was blessed with good veins, so 5 sticks 3 blow veins and a bruise relatively the size of a soda bottle on my arm later I finally was “officially” ready to have a baby. Which lead to more waiting. Finally at midnight I felt a gush and then the real fun began.
My water had broken and from there the contractions were non stop. Washing over me in waves of tightening and pressure that gradually got stronger and stronger. I had my mind set that I was going to have this baby sans c section so my focus became very intense. My husband recalled to me later that he always knew when I was having a contraction because even though I was quietly resting with my eyes closed he would see my hands get really tight and when they concluded I would let out a breath. At the time I don’t even really remember doing that or even really remember that pain really well. I simple remember it was pain and thinking of Corbin. I kept visualizing him in my mind and that this was for him and I was going to be strong and tough for him because in this moment I could not be weak. I had to start the demonstration of his mommy in this exact moment.
That was the thought that got me through the 19 hours of labor. That was what got me through the pushing. Now I was a lucky girl because I only endured 45 minutes of active pushing labor until my sweet boy was born but I still to this day truly believe it was because as I was pushing I would stare at his name that the nurse had written on the board in front of me in my room and just focus all of my energy on that name. Finally after what seemed like a lot longer then 45 minutes my little peanut entered the world. My nurse brain immediately kicked in when I didn’t hear screaming. They put him on my chest and he was slightly blue and I held my breath. All my worst fears suddenly to the for front. Then I felt him taking in slight breaths and then when I repositioned him I got to hear that all important cry and I finally let out all the air that had been trapped in my lungs.
Seeing my husband hold our baby for the first time was the most magical moment of my life. I always have known my husband was the love of my life and my best friend but the love I felt for him in that moment and every moment since then was amplified to an unquantifiable amount. We enjoyed every moment of that first night and next day with our family, friends and finally our son. We laughed and just couldn’t wipe the smile off of our faces and then when we least expected it the floor was swept out from under our feet.
The day before our discharge, the new nurse that had been assigned to us informed us that the baby had a cold temp. Now I am a NICU nurse so I feel very comfortable with babies, and this was news that was not welcome to me. I immediately went to the defense informing the nurse of all the information that I felt was imperative. Then later in the day again a cold temp and I again filled her in on all the changes that had occurred that I felt lead to this discovery but she wasn’t really hearing what I had to say so you simple said that the neonatologist had to be informed. In a blink of an eye my little man was swept off to the NICU and away from me. My poor husband walked back into the room to a hysterical wife. I was taken so off guard and my gut instinct was that he was perfectly fine and this was all just medical error. My husband really said it best that day, “this went from the best day of my life to the worst”.
We spent the next 48 hours running back in forth from my room, thankfully they allowed me to stay an extra night in, to the NICU across the hall. I had to watch my baby from the perspective of the NICU mommy instead of the NICU nurse and it was one of the most frustrating times in my life. My husband was so overwhelmed by the NICU he broke down when he saw our son in his isolate for the first time. He always of course knew what I did for a living but it never really sunk in because he is a visual person. Seeing all that for the first time he finally got what a challenge it can be sometimes to see helpless patients who are just so fragile. Even though I wanted to breakdown, I want to yell and be mad and rip by baby from that unit and just run home with him I knew that this was again one of those moments I have to have strength for him. I have to demonstrate to my little boy what strong looks like. So for him I was. After the two days concluded they finally released him informing us that everything was fine even though our guts already told us that. We got to take our little boy home, but him in his bassinet and just enjoy finally being a family of three. I finally got to truly enjoy finally getting to just be a mommy.